Your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear what you are saying.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A significant majority of communication with others happens through body language and the tone of our voice. Words mixed in are less influential, however all combine to create your influence.

One of our family’s favorite shows is “Modern Family.” We watch the boxed seasons, so no commercial interruptions 😊. Occasionally we’ll watch an episode with closed captioning on and I’m always amazed at how much we missed without seeing the exact words the actors and actresses are saying! It’s even more funny when you put it all together, (which is why we re-watch so many funny episodes), however we still “got the joke” before.

Our brain recognizes patterns and our sight is one of the most powerful senses. How many times has someone said something to you, however you didn’t completely “buy-in” to what they were saying either because of their tone or body language?

Body language is so fascinating, and it’s all unconscious in the way we communicate and the way we “read others” as being trustworthy or not.

Body language experts can spot a few indicators to tell if someone is lying. Things like, biting the nails, scratching the nose, not making eye contact, rocking back and forth on the feet, there are so many indicators it would be overwhelming to mentally process them all!

We unconsciously read other’s body language without knowing it. If we discovered an untrustworthy relationship with someone in the past, and they had a certain characteristic that they displayed (say a certain smile), our brain is working for us in the background to be on alert when someone else displays that similar characteristic (smile). We’ll often get an uncomfortable feeling about that person…sometimes that’s good and sometimes it’s a false assumption.

When an assumption backfires: I heard a story of a woman that as a young child had a horribly negative experience with a gentleman wearing a suit. As she got older and joined the workforce she had trouble trusting any man that wore a suit! It wasn’t too good on her career and she had to get help to identify why that was the case. It was a completely unconscious feeling generated because of a bad experience in the past that she didn’t ever consciously identify the “suit” being the issue, but her brain was trying to protect her from all other suit wearers as potentially untrustworthy.

So, what can we do to be a positive influence on others, and offer a fair interaction with those we may get a weird “vibe” from?

Start being aware of your body language! The easiest and most impactful place to start is by matching eye contact. Look directly into the eyes of those you talk with, (not like freakishly staring), but try to match their level of eye contact. That’s powerful. Be aware of how you are standing. Keep your weight equally on both feet, and be aware if you often sway side to side or point one foot toward a doorway (Escape!) unconsciously. Notice what you do with your hands…do they flail about like a crazy Italian, or do you keep them locked in close (being protective) or stuffed in your pockets (like you have something to hide)?

And be gentle on others. Don’t be too quick to judge. Your inner unconscious feelings may be correct whether you can trust someone or not, but really assess them to be sure your brain isn’t trying to protect you from something as silly as a person in a suit!

This is a realm I’ll expand on in the future and possibly offer a workshop on…please comment if you’d like to learn more!